Where I’ve Been, Where I’m Going, and How I’m Getting There

I’ve been through some very dramatic life altering changes over the last six years; from learning that I’m a sexual submissive, leaving an emotionally & verbally abusive marriage (on both our parts), and learning that I’m strong enough to get through any obstacle. I agree; that whole quadriplegic/chemotherapy incident at 17 should’ve taught me that lesson. But, that’s a story for another time, my friends.
In 2011, I began a memoir for a class. It started out as a writing prompt and became a journey to heal from my childhood. My original work was from a place of anger, pain, and hatred. I’ll be honest and admit that there are still times when those are my feelings with regard to the situations. However, I realized if I’m ever going to achieve the thing that I want the most then I have to look at the past through other perspectives than my own.

As an adult survivor of childhood abuse, I have wanted nothing more than the unconditional of my parents since I was 16. During that time I was placed in foster care; eventually ending up in a group home, then returning to my parents when my quadriplegia occurred. All this time, I’ve felt like my mother never loved me; she chose my abusive father over me. Over the years, I’ve tried to talk to her about the things that occurred in the past.Her go-to answer, “You’re an adult; just get over it. You can’t go around blaming all of your problems on me.”

What my mother never understood is that I always blamed myself for the things that occurred when I was growing up. I knew that it was wrong for my father to beat me and that that wasn’t my fault. What I couldn’t understand was why my mother never loved me and my father stopped loving me. I’m beginning to understand that my experiences aren’t the entire picture of my childhood; my sister’s experiences aren’t the same as my own. We all had a role to play; sometimes by choice, but other times the roles were thrust upon us.

Since September 26, 2015, I’ve been getting to know my mother as a person, a woman, an entity outside of our relationship. In some ways, I’m re-learning how to love her. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved my mother. I loved her in the way a child learns to love a parent. To this day, my mother has no idea how much I’ve craved her affection. As children, we forget that our parents aren’t perfect. Well, I wanted her to live up to the ideals that I had of how a mother should behave.

I always knew my mom had the potential to be a good mother. She and my sister have always had a really close bond. When things started to go horribly wrong with my father and my relationship; I attempted to reach out to my mother. I wanted to create a connection. Unfortunately, no matter what I did she excluded me from it. I saw this as confirmation of my belief that she hated me. Recently, I learned that my mother didn’t think I really loved her.I learned that part of the reason my mother stayed married to my father is because of the interaction I had with that woman at church.When I was around 4 or 5, a woman came up to me at church and said that I looked like my mother. I responded that indeed I did NOT, and I was my “daddy’s girl”.

I have an eidetic memory~which is pretty much a fancy way of saying; when I go to recall a memory I literally see a picture of it in my mind. Normally, it’s a really great thing to have. I’m sure it’s what’s made learning all the languages I’ve studied easier. I also have Hyperthesmia~ which is the ability to recall almost every day of my life in near perfect detail, as well as public events that hold some personal significance to me. If the events are positive then no harm, no foul. If the memory involves being chased down and being beaten with a wooden Louisville Slugger bat; it sucks to be able to remember every detail of the event. It’s part of the reason it’s taken so long for me to heal.

I’ve always used this blog as a way to communicate openly and honestly about my life. I’ve always known that I’m not the only person who is facing this distasteful and arduous battle. I’m well versed in the tools of survival. I know there are teens out there in abusive situations, and adult survivors that are still on their own journey to find reconciliation, and love for themselves and their families. If I can be a voice for those who are still too afraid to speak, or a light for a soul that has lost their way, then I will have done something remarkable.
Over the next year,  plan to use this blog as a sounding board, a way to clear my head, re-write previous memoir materials, and of course, a place of support for others previously and currently trying to overcome abusive situations.

Drop me a line if you have any questions….IMG_0143

Advertisements

Wrecked by Shyla Colt

image

You can’t have love without trust, so Lefty never looked twice at a woman. Betrayed at a young age, the only people he trusts are his brothers in the Dueling Devils motorcycle club. The boys took him in and showed him the meaning of family and loyalty. Then he broke his own rule, and slept with the same woman more than once. She became a habit, and he got ensnared by the Island beauty who ruled her strip club with an iron fist. The problem is Gia’s not interested in anything serious.

 

The minute Gia Hughes began to trust Lefty, she knew she was in too deep. The smart thing would’ve been to walk away, but the chemistry between them was too powerful. Then he started asking for more, and she was forced to run from the only thing she ever really wanted, a place to belong.  The skeletons buried in her closet need to stay buried to keep her safe, but all too soon that decision is taken out of her hands.

 

 

This month three lucky winners subscribed to the newsletter will win prizes!  We have brand new Dueling Devil T-shirts and bumper stickers.
FB page:https://www.facebook.com/Shyla.Colt

 

image

If you enjoyed the Dueling Devils series, you may want to pick up a copy of  her full length M.C. Novel, Wesson Rebels M.C. Book one: Always

 

See what readers are saying

~ This is a rude, crude, dirty, raw, and gritty book that I devoured from the first page to the last.

 

~ If you are a Sons of Anarchy fan, you’ll love this story. Told from multiple points of view throughout time, this story weaves a journey of angst, pain, friendship and love. You’ll be pulled in from the first word! I couldn’t put it down!!

image

~ If the cover doesn’t say it all, strap on your seat belts and get ready for the ride preferable on a motorcycle lol cause baby Ms Shyla holds no punches in this one, i love mc reads and my girl added her own spin taking it up another notch!! 

 

Wicked Sexy by Anne Marsh

image

Wicked Sexy
Uniformly Hot!
By: Anne Marsh
Releasing June 17th, 2014
Harlequin Blaze

Blurb
Too sexy to resist?Danielle Andrews was supposed to be on her honeymoon. Instead, she’s back on Discovery Island licking her wounds and running for shelter when she sees Daeg Ross coming her way. Years ago, on this very beach, Dani started something with the special ops aviation rescue swimmer. But she refuses to be tempted by the wickedly hot military hunk again.Daeg Ross is used to jumping into treacherous waters. But his feelings for relationship-shy Dani are a whole new type of risk. They are volatile—and irresistible. When their lives are threatened by the invading winds and endless rain of a tropical storm, Daeg and Dani are forced to take shelter and ride out a wild night. Together, will they sink…or swim?Uniformly Hot! The few, the proud, the sexy as hell!
BLACKHIPPIECHICK’S REVIEW:
This book had me sucked in from the very beginning, after all, who can resist a story about a former Navy special ops hottie. He’s back on the island that used to be like home, the only one he’d ever had anyway.
He is surprised when he discovers the bikini clad woman he’s been admiring, is the only woman he’s denied himself. When she discovers his eyes on her she is hit with overwhelming emotion; she can’t believe her luck, not only is she dealing with being alone on what should be her honeymoon, but the first man she’d ever loved, but rejected her, is staring at her with a fierce hunger in his eyes.
Find out if Daeg & Dani can overcome their past, and allow themselves a chance at true love.
Or, will his fear of commitment, and his past rejection & the pain of her broken engagement prevent them from having the love they deserve?
Link to Follow Tour:
http://www.tastybooktours.blogspot.com/2014/04/now-booking-tasty-virtual-tour-for_26.html
Goodreads Link:  https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20523640-wicked-sexy?ac=1 

Buy Links
Amazon:  http://www.amazon.com/Wicked-Sexy-Uniformly-Anne-Marsh-ebook/dp/B00I66BOC8/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=&qid =
B&N:  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/wicked-sexy-anne-marsh/1118053004?ean=9780373798094 
iTunes:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/wicked-sexy/id818500363?mt=11 
BAM:  http://www.booksamillion.com/p/Wicked-Sexy/Anne-Marsh/9780373798094?id=5984650947909

image

Author Info
After ten years of graduate school and too many degrees, Anne Marsh escaped to become a technical writer. When not planted firmly in front of the laptop translating Engineer into English, Anne enjoys gardening, running (even if it’s just to the 7-11 for slurpees), and reading books curled up with her kids. The best part of writing romance, however, is finally being able to answer the question: “So… what do you do with a PhD in Slavic Languages and Literatures?” She lives in Northern California with her husband, two kids and four cats.
You can reach Anne Marsh at http://www.anne-marsh.com or email her at  annemarsh@ymail.com

Author Links
http:// www.anne-marsh.com/
http:// /annemarsh.wordpress.com/blog-

https://twitter.com/anne_marsh/ 
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/545315.Anne_Marsh

image

Website  |  Blog  |  Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Goodreads

Rafflecopter Giveaway ($20.00 Amazon Gift Card)
a Rafflecopter giveaway

OR,
Link to Rafflecopter Page
http:// www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/share-code/NTIxYWM0YzhjYmFkNDc1MDkxYzA3ZDNmMjhhM2RjOjM3NA=

A Year in Retrospect

A Year in Retrospect

Image

I have learned many things over the past year, some of them are good and some of them not so good.I’ve learned that I’m a hell of a lot stronger than my ex, mother & even myself at times, gave me credit for being. I’ve learned that even though I felt like my heart was broken into a million pieces, it was possible to feel love again. Surprisingly, this heartbreak wasn’t over my marriage….My best friend and brother will have commited suicide a year ago, on the 22nd of this month.

His death is what left me broken, wondering if I could make it. I literally kept thinking to myself that I didn’t know how I was going to go on without him. When someone kills themself it makes you wonder what you missed, what you could’ve done differently, for things to have gone another way. It makes you question EVERYTHING!I’m not really sure how many days I went without sleep in the beginning, but I know I tried to read every Facebook message we’d written to one another. I don’t know why, but I felt like I’d find the answers in our conversations.I didn’t.

His death made me feel completely, and utterly vulnerable. It wasn’t that I didn’t already feel this way, I did but, I had gained more confidence in recent years. I’m not sure that there is anyone alive who doesn’t feel vulnerable at some point in their lives. I think it’s different when you grow up in an abusive household though; when a parent(s) is abusive towards you, it makes you question your worth and value. After all, if your own parents couldn’t love you, then how can anyone else? My friend had been the person to show me that there were people who still cared about & found value in my existence. We met when I was 16 & living in a shelter for teenagers,he was on leave and doing a little recruiting for the Navy, at his alma mater.

When he died, I was scared to feel again. I wasn’t just scared to feel love, I was scared to feel anything good. Eventually, I got to the point where I started to allow myself to feel good things. I was even able to stop taking any of the anxiety medicine that my doctor had given me, after his death. I didn’t know it at the time but, I was still scared to feel love. I entered into relationships where I couldn’t truly, expect to receive uconditional love. My partners were never able to offer a situation where I could be significant member in their lives. I guess looking back at, that’s how I wanted it to be. If they couldn’t offer me their love unconditionally, then I wouldn’t miss it when they didn’t give it to me.

I am in a poly relationship with an amazing man, my sissy (and his lifemate ) & his submissive. I love my sissy with all of my heart, in fact she became my sissy, before I was in an amorous relationship with any of them. I’ve not talked to my Papa’s submissive yet, but that is in the works. Honestly, I’m a little terrified….I know, I’m supposed to be happy that there are that many people who love him & I can honestly say that I am. I love my sissy, and when I’ve had problems she calls & helps me pull my head out of my ass…lol. I’m sure Papa’s submissive is an amazing woman, too. How can she not be, if she’s my sissy’s best friend?

Unfortunately, even though I logically know and understand all of these things, I am still scared. I know that I’m feeling this way, which is a major step for me; in the past, I’ve tried to push people away when I began to care for them too much. It was easier for them to leave if I pusshed them away, because then they weren’t abandoning or rejecting me. I talked to my Papa last night, and I told Him that I was scared. He told me that He & sissy love me, and I shouldn’t doubt the love T/they have for me. I guess it’s not exactly a matter of doubting their love, I know that my Papa & sissy, love me. In a way, I feel like that 11 year old girl, who just got beaten for the first time; I’m scared that something will change & I just won’t matter anymore. What happens when I’m not good enough, when I just don’t make the cut?

I’m scared because I’ve let myself love them, and start to depend on their love & friendship in my life. What happens if it goes away? Will I still be strong enough to make it, if they decide they no longer want me? Damn it, it would be nice to have my friend around to talk to and hug, hear his awful jokes, and see his awful memes. I guess I’m not really sure how to protect my heart, and allow love in at the same time. I also have another part of me, a very selfish side of me, that wants to find someone else to be with outside of T/them. I know it’s purely selfish, because I want someone who will be there to give me their time & their love. How can we all get equal time with Papa? It’s not that I’m not allowed to be in a relationship outside of the one I have with them; hell, they encourage me to go out & have fun, which as crazy as it sounds makes me feel even more insecure. If T/they love me, why do they want me to go be with other people??? I should have prefaced this piece by saying that I’m a poly virgin, lol….as in, this is my first truly poly relationship. I am learning something new, and feeling something different everyday.

I hope that this time next year, I am stronger. I hope that I’ve either gone back to school or I’m in the process of writing a book…creating a linguistic painting, so to speak. I hope that my MS is still not flaring up, and I’m only dealing with the leftover effects from past exacerbations & fibro. Most importantly, I hope like hell that I’m happy! I hope that I don’t push the people that I love away because I get too scared of caring about them. I also wouldn’t mind having a really awesome girlfriend, and scratching off some of my sexual bucket list items 😉

Image

PRIDE WEEK GIVEAWAY & BOOKS

PRIDE WEEK GIVEAWAY & BOOKS

 

PrideMonthBlitzBanner1

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Book & Author Details:
Sharp Love by Ava March (June release) [Goodreads]

London, 1822

William Drake has lived among thieves, bastards and beggars all his life, doing what’s necessary to survive. As a young orphan, that included looking after his best friend, Jack Morgan. But as they grew older, Jack took the honest path, leaving Will behind to fend for himself the only ways he knows how.

When an unsavory errand for his employer brings Jack back to London’s underbelly, he needs Will’s help. It’s there, among the alleys they ran through as children, that the love he’s always felt for Will returns. As their nights together grow hotter, Will discovers something new about his old friend—Jack’s need to serve extends into the bedchamber.

Will has never fully abandoned his dream of escaping London with Jack. But what could the Duke’s driver want with a dishonest cheat like him, beyond a bit of rough sex? It takes the gamble of Will’s life to find out if he can win Jack’s heart…

The Lost Year by Libby Drew (June release) [Goodreads]

Devon McCade is no stranger to adversity. As a photojournalist, he’s seen all manner of human struggle. And as a kid, it’s what brought him to Neverwood, to his foster mother Audrey. It’s what he’s facing now, as he and his foster brothers work to restore the once-stately mansion amidst surprising signs from Audrey herself.

But when another anguished soul arrives at Neverwood, Devon can’t hide behind his camera. Nicholas Hardy is certain he saw his runaway son, Robbie, in a photo Devon took of homeless children. Devon knows all too well that a young teenager on the streets doesn’t have many options—and Robbie has been missing for a full year.

Searching for Robbie with Nicholas stirs memories and passions Devon had thought long lost, yet knowing that Nicholas will leave as soon as Robbie is found keeps him from opening himself up to something permanent. Devon must learn to fight for what he wants to keep—his love, and his home.

Maybe This Time by AM Arthur (July release) [Goodreads]

As a regular at gay hotspot Pot O Gold, Ezra Kelley avoids his tangled emotions with the simplicity of one-night stands and attachment-free hookups. Until the night bartender Donner Davis picks him up off the floor after a misunderstanding and too much tequila. Ezra can’t remember the last time someone was…nice. It’s more than he deserves.

Witnessing his lover’s death two years ago has Donner trapped in a holding pattern: living in his sister’s basement, working at the Pot and flirting with the customers. He’s not above spending a night with the gorgeous Ezra, but love is not in the cards. That’s more than he’s ready for.

A passionate night leads to a connection neither man expects, and they take the first steps to something that looks like a real relationship. But Ezra’s been running from himself so long he doesn’t know how to live any other way. And Donner can’t risk his heart just to lose everything again. They’ll both need the strength to let go of the past if they want to get it right this time.

Stranger on the Shore by Josh Lanyon (May release) [Goodreads]

Twenty years ago young Brian Arlington, heir to Arlington fortune, was kidnapped. Though the ransom was paid, the boy was never seen again and is presumed dead. Pierce Mather, the family lawyer, now administers and controls the Arlington billions. He’s none too happy, and more than a little suspicious, when investigative journalist Griffin Hadley shows up to write about the decades-old mystery. Griff shrugs off the coldly handsome Pierce’s objections, but it might not be so easy to shrug off the objections of someone willing to do anything to keep the past buried.

Author Bios
Libby Drew glimpsed her true calling when her first story, an A.A. Milne /Shakespeare crossover, won the grand prize in her elementary school’s fiction contest. Her parents explained that writers were quirky, poor, and often talked to themselves in supermarket checkout lines. They implored her to be practical, a request she took to heart for twenty years, earning two degrees, a white-collar job, and an ulcer, before realizing that practical was absolutely no fun. Today she lives with her husband and four children in an old, impractical house and writes stories about redemption, the supernatural, and love at first sight, all of which do exist. She happens to know from experience. Libby’s State of Mind received rave reviews for being fast, clever, and relentless and was nominated for a Bookie Award for Best M/M Novel of 2011. 40 Souls to Keep, Libby’s third novel, has been described as intense and heart-poundingly good and was praised by Publishers Weekly for maintaining a high level of suspense. An avid supporter of gay rights, Libby donates her time to the Trevor Project and organizations that work to support marriage equality. More information about Libby’s books can be found on her website: http://www.libbydrew.com/

Bestselling, multi-award-winning JOSH LANYON is the author of over fifty titles of mystery, adventure, fantasy and romance. Josh is the author of the critically acclaimed Adrien English Mysteries series, including The Hell You Say, winner of the 2006 USABookNews awards for GLBT Fiction. Josh is an Eppie Award winner and a three-time Lambda Literary Award finalist. When not writing Josh enjoys gardening, film noir, fine wine, vintage mysteries, and night swimming.

A.M. Arthur was born and raised in the same kind of small town that she likes to write about, a stone’s throw from both beach resorts and generational farmland. She’s been creating stories in her head since she was a child and scribbling them down nearly as long, in a losing battle to make the fictional voices stop. She credits an early fascination with male friendships (bromance hadn’t been coined yet back then) and “The Young Riders” with her later discovery of and subsequent love affair with m/m romance stories. When not exorcising the voices in her head, she toils away in a retail job that tests her patience and gives her lots of story fodder. She can also be found in her kitchen, pretending she’s an amateur chef and trying to not poison herself or others with her cuisine experiments. Contact her at am_arthur@yahoo.com with your cooking tips (or book comments). You can also find her online (http://amarthur.blogspot.com/), as well as on Twitter (http://twitter.com/am_arthur), Tumblr (http://www.tumblr.com/blog/am-arthur), and Facebook (A.m. Arthur). Other titles by A.M. Arthur are available from Samhain Publishing, Dreamspinner Press, and Musa Publishing.

Ava March is an author of sexy, emotionally intense M/M historical erotic romances. She loves writing in the Regency time period, where proper decorum is of the utmost importance, but where anything can happen behind closed doors. With over fifteen works to her credit, her books have been finalists in the Rainbow Awards and More Than Magic contest, and deemed ‘must- haves’ for Historical M/M romance by RT Book Reviews readers. Visit her website at http://www.AvaMarch.com to find out more about her books or to sign-up for her newsletter. Blog: http://www.avamarch.blogspot.com Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/Ava_March Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/avamarchbooks/ Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/ava_march Pinterest: http://www.pinterest.com/avamarch/