Where I’ve Been, Where I’m Going, and How I’m Getting There

I’ve been through some very dramatic life altering changes over the last six years; from learning that I’m a sexual submissive, leaving an emotionally & verbally abusive marriage (on both our parts), and learning that I’m strong enough to get through any obstacle. I agree; that whole quadriplegic/chemotherapy incident at 17 should’ve taught me that lesson. But, that’s a story for another time, my friends.
In 2011, I began a memoir for a class. It started out as a writing prompt and became a journey to heal from my childhood. My original work was from a place of anger, pain, and hatred. I’ll be honest and admit that there are still times when those are my feelings with regard to the situations. However, I realized if I’m ever going to achieve the thing that I want the most then I have to look at the past through other perspectives than my own.

As an adult survivor of childhood abuse, I have wanted nothing more than the unconditional of my parents since I was 16. During that time I was placed in foster care; eventually ending up in a group home, then returning to my parents when my quadriplegia occurred. All this time, I’ve felt like my mother never loved me; she chose my abusive father over me. Over the years, I’ve tried to talk to her about the things that occurred in the past.Her go-to answer, “You’re an adult; just get over it. You can’t go around blaming all of your problems on me.”

What my mother never understood is that I always blamed myself for the things that occurred when I was growing up. I knew that it was wrong for my father to beat me and that that wasn’t my fault. What I couldn’t understand was why my mother never loved me and my father stopped loving me. I’m beginning to understand that my experiences aren’t the entire picture of my childhood; my sister’s experiences aren’t the same as my own. We all had a role to play; sometimes by choice, but other times the roles were thrust upon us.

Since September 26, 2015, I’ve been getting to know my mother as a person, a woman, an entity outside of our relationship. In some ways, I’m re-learning how to love her. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved my mother. I loved her in the way a child learns to love a parent. To this day, my mother has no idea how much I’ve craved her affection. As children, we forget that our parents aren’t perfect. Well, I wanted her to live up to the ideals that I had of how a mother should behave.

I always knew my mom had the potential to be a good mother. She and my sister have always had a really close bond. When things started to go horribly wrong with my father and my relationship; I attempted to reach out to my mother. I wanted to create a connection. Unfortunately, no matter what I did she excluded me from it. I saw this as confirmation of my belief that she hated me. Recently, I learned that my mother didn’t think I really loved her.I learned that part of the reason my mother stayed married to my father is because of the interaction I had with that woman at church.When I was around 4 or 5, a woman came up to me at church and said that I looked like my mother. I responded that indeed I did NOT, and I was my “daddy’s girl”.

I have an eidetic memory~which is pretty much a fancy way of saying; when I go to recall a memory I literally see a picture of it in my mind. Normally, it’s a really great thing to have. I’m sure it’s what’s made learning all the languages I’ve studied easier. I also have Hyperthesmia~ which is the ability to recall almost every day of my life in near perfect detail, as well as public events that hold some personal significance to me. If the events are positive then no harm, no foul. If the memory involves being chased down and being beaten with a wooden Louisville Slugger bat; it sucks to be able to remember every detail of the event. It’s part of the reason it’s taken so long for me to heal.

I’ve always used this blog as a way to communicate openly and honestly about my life. I’ve always known that I’m not the only person who is facing this distasteful and arduous battle. I’m well versed in the tools of survival. I know there are teens out there in abusive situations, and adult survivors that are still on their own journey to find reconciliation, and love for themselves and their families. If I can be a voice for those who are still too afraid to speak, or a light for a soul that has lost their way, then I will have done something remarkable.
Over the next year,  plan to use this blog as a sounding board, a way to clear my head, re-write previous memoir materials, and of course, a place of support for others previously and currently trying to overcome abusive situations.

Drop me a line if you have any questions….IMG_0143

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No Safeword: Matte—The Honeymoon by Candace Blevins

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No Safeword: Matte—The Honeymoon:
Safeword Series # 8
By: Candace Blevins
Releasing August 1st, 2014

Blurb
The wedding ceremony is over, and the couple is on their way to Hawaii. After so much build-up for the big night, how will Ethan handle it? Sam has no idea, and while she’s pretty sure she’s ready, she’s still a bit nervous. Who wouldn’t be?
Most newlyweds don’t ride bicycles up and then back down dormant volcanos for fun on their honeymoon, but Sam and Ethan aren’t the average couple. They find lots of fun things to do on the islands and in the ocean, and Ethan’s creativity knows no bounds when in the privacy of their secluded beach house.
If you’ve read Safeword: Matte and Safeword: Matte – In Training, you’ve been waiting for the honeymoon. Here’s hoping you enjoy it as much as Sam and Ethan.

 Link to Follow Tour:  
http:// http://www.tastybooktours.com/2014/07/no-safeword-matte-honeymoon-by-candace.html 
Goodreads Link:http:// www.goodreads.com/book/show/22285192-no-safeword-matte—-the-honeymoon?from_search=true
Buy Links
Amazon:  http:// http://www.amazon.com/No-Safeword-Matte-The-Honeymoon/dp/1500453757/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406659029&sr=8-1&keywords=no+safeword+matte+the+honeymoon 

B&N:http://  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/no-safeword-candace-blevins/1119970503?ean=9781500453756 

Author Info
Candace Blevins is a southern girl who loves to travel the world.
She lives with her husband of 16 years and their two daughters. When not working or driving kids all over the place she can be found reading, writing, meditating, or swimming.
Candace writes romance books about characters who happen to have some extreme kinks. Relationships can be difficult enough without throwing power exchange into the mix, and her books show characters who care enough about each other to fight to make the relationship work.
Each book in the Safeword series highlights a couple with a different BDSM issue to resolve. All books are standalone books and can be read in any order, with the exception of the two Davenport books, since Safewords: Davenport and Chiffon is a sequel to Safeword: Davenport.
You can visit Candace on the web at candaceblevins.com, or friend her on Facebook at facebook.com/candacesblevins
* Serious Romance * Serious BDSM *

Author Links
http:// www.candaceblevins.com/
http:// www.facebook.com/candacesblevins

http:// https://twitter.com/CandaceBlevins
http:// http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4489132.Candace_Blevins 

http:// https://pinterest.com/candacesblevins/

Rafflecopter Giveaway ($20 Amazon Gift Card )
a Rafflecopter giveaway

OR,
Link to Rafflecopter Page,  http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/share-code/NTIxYWM0YzhjYmFkNDc1MDkxYzA3ZDNmMjhhM2RjOjQxNQ==/ 

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Excerpt
Sam awoke first the next morning and slid under the covers. He was soft when she pulled him between her lips, but within seconds he groaned in pleasure and began to fill her mouth.
She intended to get him off, but he stopped her a few minutes into it, flipped her on her back, draped her legs over his shoulders, and gently worked her clit with his lips and tongue.
Sam’s eyes rolled back into her head and she forgot to breathe for several heartbeats. However, after a few minutes she realized he’d stopped her from giving him a blowjob. He hadn’t used her last night, and now he wasn’t letting her pleasure him.
She raised up on her elbows and watched a few seconds before coming to a decision.
“Time out, Ethan.”
He tilted his head to look at her, but kept her clit in his mouth. His tongue ran across it a few times and she had to fight to keep her eyes from rolling back in her head again.
“I was giving you a blowjob, and you stopped me.”
His eyes agreed with her, and then he stopped looking up and went back to work.
She gently bopped him on the head. “Don’t ignore me. I’m trying to talk to you.”
He inserted a finger into her depths, and then another, and Sam fell back, her legs tensed on his shoulders, and she lost control of her body as an orgasm crashed into her with no warning.
She tried to talk through it, but couldn’t come up with an intelligible sentence, and finally gave up and let the bliss sweep her under.
As she regained motor function, she draped her arm over her eyes and let her legs sprawl out to the side. “It seems wrong to call you a jerk after you gave me a mind-melting orgasm, but I was giving you a blowjob and you stopped me, and then you ignored me when I tried to talk to you about it.”
Her voice sounded happy and content, but there wasn’t much she could do about it.
Ethan was still between her legs, and he chuckled before bending to lick her entrance with long, slow, strokes.
“God, you’re impossible. I don’t know whether to beg you to stop, or keep going.”
His tongue kept going, and she added, “We need to talk about why you aren’t using me, and won’t let me pleasure you.” She groaned as he licked and suckled the perfect spot. Quickly losing her resolve, she pulled enough air into her lungs to admit, “But I’m not sure I have the willpower to ask you to stop what you’re doing.”
He brought her to three more orgasms before he kissed his way up to her neck, rolled to the side, and pulled her into his arms.
“I used you pretty hard, and I wanted to give you a little time to recover.” He kissed her forehead. “Take advantage of it while you can.”
“But I wanted to give you a blowjob. How could that be a bad thing?”
“It isn’t, but I’ve made the decision to give you pleasure and pamper you a few days.”
He was holding himself so she couldn’t feel his cock, so she didn’t know if he was hard or not. Her mind shifted into analysis mode, and she ran the possible reasons he might not want to use her, or even get a blowjob.
It hit her out of the blue, and she looked up and said, “You’re sore. My ass feels like someone used a sandpaper-covered toy on it. Your cock has to be sore, too.”
His face told her he was trying to find a way to deny it without lying, and she laughed. “Master Sex-God is sore. Oh, it’s beautiful.” She kissed his chin, and then his lips. “Don’t try to deny it. I’m not sure why it didn’t occur to me before.” She shook her head. “I’m not sure how you managed it the last couple of times, though. If you were hurting as bad as me, why did you keep going?” She paused and added. “How did you keep going?”
“I’m pretty sure I’m not as sore as you. Your ass hasn’t had any friction at all until we arrived here, and my cock gets frequent activity. The last couple of times I felt a little tender, but I wasn’t ready to stop yet, and it didn’t hurt bad enough to affect my pleasure.”
He shrugged. “I’m sore enough after the fact, so I figure it’s best to give it a rest.” Soft lips kissed her forehead, then her nose. “I’m quite serious about wanting to give you some rest and lots of pampering, though. You took everything I gave you, and I gave you a lot. I want you to know I understand how hard I was on you, and I appreciate you for it. I don’t want to ever take your submission for granted.”

First Time

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I’m feeling a little nervous today, but I’m also excited. I’m going to a party tonight, and I’ve been told I can cross off some of my bucket list items, lol. I really enjoy spending time with the couple that I’ll be staying with for the next few days.
I brought my walker with me this time; even though I know they couldn’t care less whether I am using it or not, I am still really self-conscious about it. I’d love to be able to say that I’ve gotten past the negative comments my ex made about my having Multiple Sclerosis, or basically isolating me in the house over the last few years. Unfortunately, I haven’t…I feel a little sting when someone stares at me while I’m using my walker.
I just realized that I won’t be able to take it, since another couple will be riding with us to the party. Honestly, I don’t use it if I’m just walking around my house. Plus, I’m sure that J. will help me get around if I need it.
J & K, are always very caring & will help with different positions to make sure I’m comfortable. One thing about having balance issues, is that it can be somewhat limiting when it comes to positions that I feel comfortable trying. For example, I don’t really like to be on top because it makes me nervous I might fall somehow, or even worse get a muscle spasm in my legs. Aside from being painful, it would be somewhat embarrassing to have an orgasm & then end up curled into a ball. The weather has been changing the last few days, it’s unseasonably cold. As a result my legs feel like they’re on fire (well at least the portion by my ass, anyway). If they continue to burn, that means I will most likely need to apply some Real Time Pain cream.
I don’t usually use topical meds, but ever since my friend sent me a sample packet, I’ve been using it when the pain becomes unbearable. Thankfully, it smells good. Can you imagine how akward it would be to go to a party smelling like Bengay? I’m pretty sure that would decrease my chances of having fun, and who goes to a party if they can’t have any fun?

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Disabled Not Dead…Did I Mention I’m Kinky

Disabled Not Dead…Did I Mention I’m Kinky

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Ugh….part of Multiple Sclerosis that is par for the course, is to sometimes have an electrical pulsing like sensation. When your clitoris is the body part that’s buzzing & pulsing it’s torture, it can cause my body to feel like it’s on the edge of an orgasm until it decides it’s had enough.
Do Y/you have any unwanted symptoms, or questions about adaptations, but have been afraid to ask? Look no further, I understand what you’re going through…

Hi A/all,
My name is Kami (I have Multiple Sclerosis) and I run a blog that deals with Disability, Sexuality & Kink. I am trying to provide a space to access information on resources, adaptations that can be made (to toys, with positions, and even to maintain Y/your role in a D/s relationships), and reviews of Erotica & toys. I also want to provide a question & answer section, so that those with & without disabilities will be able to navigate the adaptations that are required to make this type of relationship work.
I NEED Y/YOUR HELP:

*PLEASE, share any questions about Disability, Sexuality & Kink that Y/you might have, this goes for questions about both the physical & emotional sides of these things. Please email me your questions. When writing & answering Y/your questions, I will use a made up name & location.   My email is: blhippiechickreviews@gmail.com

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