Where I’ve Been, Where I’m Going, and How I’m Getting There

I’ve been through some very dramatic life altering changes over the last six years; from learning that I’m a sexual submissive, leaving an emotionally & verbally abusive marriage (on both our parts), and learning that I’m strong enough to get through any obstacle. I agree; that whole quadriplegic/chemotherapy incident at 17 should’ve taught me that lesson. But, that’s a story for another time, my friends.
In 2011, I began a memoir for a class. It started out as a writing prompt and became a journey to heal from my childhood. My original work was from a place of anger, pain, and hatred. I’ll be honest and admit that there are still times when those are my feelings with regard to the situations. However, I realized if I’m ever going to achieve the thing that I want the most then I have to look at the past through other perspectives than my own.

As an adult survivor of childhood abuse, I have wanted nothing more than the unconditional of my parents since I was 16. During that time I was placed in foster care; eventually ending up in a group home, then returning to my parents when my quadriplegia occurred. All this time, I’ve felt like my mother never loved me; she chose my abusive father over me. Over the years, I’ve tried to talk to her about the things that occurred in the past.Her go-to answer, “You’re an adult; just get over it. You can’t go around blaming all of your problems on me.”

What my mother never understood is that I always blamed myself for the things that occurred when I was growing up. I knew that it was wrong for my father to beat me and that that wasn’t my fault. What I couldn’t understand was why my mother never loved me and my father stopped loving me. I’m beginning to understand that my experiences aren’t the entire picture of my childhood; my sister’s experiences aren’t the same as my own. We all had a role to play; sometimes by choice, but other times the roles were thrust upon us.

Since September 26, 2015, I’ve been getting to know my mother as a person, a woman, an entity outside of our relationship. In some ways, I’m re-learning how to love her. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved my mother. I loved her in the way a child learns to love a parent. To this day, my mother has no idea how much I’ve craved her affection. As children, we forget that our parents aren’t perfect. Well, I wanted her to live up to the ideals that I had of how a mother should behave.

I always knew my mom had the potential to be a good mother. She and my sister have always had a really close bond. When things started to go horribly wrong with my father and my relationship; I attempted to reach out to my mother. I wanted to create a connection. Unfortunately, no matter what I did she excluded me from it. I saw this as confirmation of my belief that she hated me. Recently, I learned that my mother didn’t think I really loved her.I learned that part of the reason my mother stayed married to my father is because of the interaction I had with that woman at church.When I was around 4 or 5, a woman came up to me at church and said that I looked like my mother. I responded that indeed I did NOT, and I was my “daddy’s girl”.

I have an eidetic memory~which is pretty much a fancy way of saying; when I go to recall a memory I literally see a picture of it in my mind. Normally, it’s a really great thing to have. I’m sure it’s what’s made learning all the languages I’ve studied easier. I also have Hyperthesmia~ which is the ability to recall almost every day of my life in near perfect detail, as well as public events that hold some personal significance to me. If the events are positive then no harm, no foul. If the memory involves being chased down and being beaten with a wooden Louisville Slugger bat; it sucks to be able to remember every detail of the event. It’s part of the reason it’s taken so long for me to heal.

I’ve always used this blog as a way to communicate openly and honestly about my life. I’ve always known that I’m not the only person who is facing this distasteful and arduous battle. I’m well versed in the tools of survival. I know there are teens out there in abusive situations, and adult survivors that are still on their own journey to find reconciliation, and love for themselves and their families. If I can be a voice for those who are still too afraid to speak, or a light for a soul that has lost their way, then I will have done something remarkable.
Over the next year,  plan to use this blog as a sounding board, a way to clear my head, re-write previous memoir materials, and of course, a place of support for others previously and currently trying to overcome abusive situations.

Drop me a line if you have any questions….IMG_0143

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A Year in Retrospect

A Year in Retrospect

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I have learned many things over the past year, some of them are good and some of them not so good.I’ve learned that I’m a hell of a lot stronger than my ex, mother & even myself at times, gave me credit for being. I’ve learned that even though I felt like my heart was broken into a million pieces, it was possible to feel love again. Surprisingly, this heartbreak wasn’t over my marriage….My best friend and brother will have commited suicide a year ago, on the 22nd of this month.

His death is what left me broken, wondering if I could make it. I literally kept thinking to myself that I didn’t know how I was going to go on without him. When someone kills themself it makes you wonder what you missed, what you could’ve done differently, for things to have gone another way. It makes you question EVERYTHING!I’m not really sure how many days I went without sleep in the beginning, but I know I tried to read every Facebook message we’d written to one another. I don’t know why, but I felt like I’d find the answers in our conversations.I didn’t.

His death made me feel completely, and utterly vulnerable. It wasn’t that I didn’t already feel this way, I did but, I had gained more confidence in recent years. I’m not sure that there is anyone alive who doesn’t feel vulnerable at some point in their lives. I think it’s different when you grow up in an abusive household though; when a parent(s) is abusive towards you, it makes you question your worth and value. After all, if your own parents couldn’t love you, then how can anyone else? My friend had been the person to show me that there were people who still cared about & found value in my existence. We met when I was 16 & living in a shelter for teenagers,he was on leave and doing a little recruiting for the Navy, at his alma mater.

When he died, I was scared to feel again. I wasn’t just scared to feel love, I was scared to feel anything good. Eventually, I got to the point where I started to allow myself to feel good things. I was even able to stop taking any of the anxiety medicine that my doctor had given me, after his death. I didn’t know it at the time but, I was still scared to feel love. I entered into relationships where I couldn’t truly, expect to receive uconditional love. My partners were never able to offer a situation where I could be significant member in their lives. I guess looking back at, that’s how I wanted it to be. If they couldn’t offer me their love unconditionally, then I wouldn’t miss it when they didn’t give it to me.

I am in a poly relationship with an amazing man, my sissy (and his lifemate ) & his submissive. I love my sissy with all of my heart, in fact she became my sissy, before I was in an amorous relationship with any of them. I’ve not talked to my Papa’s submissive yet, but that is in the works. Honestly, I’m a little terrified….I know, I’m supposed to be happy that there are that many people who love him & I can honestly say that I am. I love my sissy, and when I’ve had problems she calls & helps me pull my head out of my ass…lol. I’m sure Papa’s submissive is an amazing woman, too. How can she not be, if she’s my sissy’s best friend?

Unfortunately, even though I logically know and understand all of these things, I am still scared. I know that I’m feeling this way, which is a major step for me; in the past, I’ve tried to push people away when I began to care for them too much. It was easier for them to leave if I pusshed them away, because then they weren’t abandoning or rejecting me. I talked to my Papa last night, and I told Him that I was scared. He told me that He & sissy love me, and I shouldn’t doubt the love T/they have for me. I guess it’s not exactly a matter of doubting their love, I know that my Papa & sissy, love me. In a way, I feel like that 11 year old girl, who just got beaten for the first time; I’m scared that something will change & I just won’t matter anymore. What happens when I’m not good enough, when I just don’t make the cut?

I’m scared because I’ve let myself love them, and start to depend on their love & friendship in my life. What happens if it goes away? Will I still be strong enough to make it, if they decide they no longer want me? Damn it, it would be nice to have my friend around to talk to and hug, hear his awful jokes, and see his awful memes. I guess I’m not really sure how to protect my heart, and allow love in at the same time. I also have another part of me, a very selfish side of me, that wants to find someone else to be with outside of T/them. I know it’s purely selfish, because I want someone who will be there to give me their time & their love. How can we all get equal time with Papa? It’s not that I’m not allowed to be in a relationship outside of the one I have with them; hell, they encourage me to go out & have fun, which as crazy as it sounds makes me feel even more insecure. If T/they love me, why do they want me to go be with other people??? I should have prefaced this piece by saying that I’m a poly virgin, lol….as in, this is my first truly poly relationship. I am learning something new, and feeling something different everyday.

I hope that this time next year, I am stronger. I hope that I’ve either gone back to school or I’m in the process of writing a book…creating a linguistic painting, so to speak. I hope that my MS is still not flaring up, and I’m only dealing with the leftover effects from past exacerbations & fibro. Most importantly, I hope like hell that I’m happy! I hope that I don’t push the people that I love away because I get too scared of caring about them. I also wouldn’t mind having a really awesome girlfriend, and scratching off some of my sexual bucket list items 😉

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The Struggle

At times, it is still a struggle to believe how truly lucky I am. I have had a friend for a year, He is a Dom, but He has always been a friend. When I had attempted to find a Dom in the past, He has always let me discuss things with Him. He was always patient & understanding with me. Then earlier this year, I met His amazing Princess! I felt like I finally had a sister; we have laughed together, checked on one another & provided a safe place where we can be our normal “little” selves.
Recently, I had a Dom who had some complicated baggage that came with Him. Papa talked to Him, and then let me know what He thought. He had many of the concerns that I had about the situation. When sissy found out some of the stuff the Dom tried to pull, well…..saying she was not happy is a huge understatement.
I ended things with the perspective Dom. I was not in the mood to become anyone’s hidden lover. Not. Gonna. Happen!!! However, something amazing was about to happen. Papa & sissy asked me to be in a relationship with them. Seriously, I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet.
Somehow, I had found two people who truly love me. They love me for who I am, who I’m not & for who I think I might like to be someday. I haven’t had any dreams for a very long-time. I had allowed my self-esteem to be widdled away to nothing. It didn’t matter that my ex wasn’t telling me I’d never find anyone who would want to deal with my Multiple Sclerosis; I began to tell it to myself, somewhere a long the way.
I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t even living life, I was just existing. I had no goals or dreams to strive to achieve.  Luckily, something definitely changed along the way. I allowed myself to feel the love that my Papa & sissy have for me. I have started to believe in myself a again. I have begun to have goals & dreams that I’d like to achieve.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve not been miraculously healed. I still have balance issues and require some type of assistance when walking. I still can’t accurately distinguish the temperature of a lot of things, and there are times when my legs feel like they’re on fire, or I require an ice pack to make the pain in my left arm tolerable. Even though I feel totally loved, I still struggle with the little girl inside of me that worries she’ll never be good enough, or that eventually my Multiple Sclerosis will become an issue. I still struggle to understand how Papa & sissy can love me…but for now, I am going to enjoy it ;). Papa, I think I need a spank or two *giggles*

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Dispelling Myths About Sexuality & Disability part One

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On the first page of The Ultimate Guide to Sex & Disability, the reader is introduced to a list of myths that exist. I’m not going to address them in the order they were written in but, in order of how they resonate with my experiences. I’m a sexual person, who just happens to have this weird neurological disease that can act up out of the blue.

MYTH TWO: image

People living with disabilities and chronic illnesses are not desirable (p2 Kaufman, Odette, & Silverberg, 2003)

Please, please, listen to me when I say that this isn’t true! I know for almost two years, I was told no one else would ever want me, because they would have to deal with the MS (Multiple Sclerosis), too. Everyday that I listened to that sentence it reinforced that ideology to me. I seriously thought NO ONE else would ever want to be in a relationship with me again. 

I believed it, because over the course of my 20 year relationship, I had gone from a cute bubbly girl, whose body could’ve inspired the writer of the song My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard, to a very pleasantly plump woman. I’ve had so many rounds of IV Solu-Medrol (Steroids), I think I lost count somewhere around fifteen times of 3x’s a day/1000mcg. While it wasn’t as bad the first or second times because I was younger & more active, I became greatly effected by the treatment with each round of Solu-Medrol.

I’m recently single, and you’ll never guess what I discovered….(in my Sally Fields voice): They like me, they really like me! Yep, there are people in this world who value the person as a whole, and not just for their physical attributes. In fact, I’ve been approached by so many people that I’ve felt overwhelmed, at times.

As I’ve gotten back into the dating scene, I’ve discovered that there are people who don’t mind if I need to use a walker, or motorized cart. They don’t care if it takes me a little longer to do things; one guy actually enjoyed assisting me. When we would walk up stairs, he would stand behind me in case my balance would become off. It turned into a game where he would feel my ass, at unexpected times.

I know, some of you are probably thinking that I just got lucky. Well, I will admit I have been really lucky. However, I’ve also been really honest. I learned early on in my days in the lifestyle , that honesty is one of the most important part of any relationship. When you’re dealing with kink, some of the activities can be effected if a person has a disability & doesn’t tell their partner(s).

As I end this piece, I want you to take with you the knowledge that my experience isn’t unique or lucky. I talked openly and honestly about the ways Multiple Sclerosis, could effect my relationships. I took a chance, and I discovered that there are a lot of people who don’t see Multiple Sclerosis, as something that lessens my appeal or desirability. When you find the right person, they won’t care that they may need to make modifications (such as knowing that when it’s a hundred degrees outside, it will take a major toll on someone with MS). They’ll know you’re worth it!

Bibliography

Kaufman, M., Odette, F., & Silverberg, C. (2003). The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness. San Francisco: Cleis Press.

A Disability Shouldn’t Limit Your Sexual Experience

This is a place where you can find the information you need to enhance your sexual experience. You will find information about kink when you or your partner(s) have a disability, different positionings & ways to increase the level of intimacy in your relationship(s). As someone with Multiple Sclerosis & Fibromyalgia, I know how valuable this information can be.
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Playtime!!!

Playtime!!!

Playtime!!!

Just in time for Easter, I received a Rabbit Habit.

Things to Come

A good friend of mine reminded me that I have an interesting, and that other people may be able to learn from my journey. As a black, bisexual/pansexual, submissive, babygirl, who has Multiple Sclerosis, I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past two years.
For example, when I first discovered I was submissive I thought there was only one type of submission & one type of Dominant to submit to. Boy, did I have a lot to learn. I’ve recently gone over some of my blog posts from the early days, and I have really changed. I’ve grown as a person, woman & submissive since then. I’ve done research & conducted my own experiments (or had them performed on me, more likely).
I am going to be blogging each day based one of the blog challenges I’ve discovered. I think that will give my followers a better idea of who I am. After all, how can I expect you to share questions & fears with me, if I’m not willing to share. I am also going to be posting pages that can be used as a reference; I will have pages that talk about the D/s, M/s, DD/lg and many of the other bdsm relationships, and the actions that are generally expected to take place. I will also investagate areas of kink that I’ve never experienced before. Plus, I want to have a whole lot of fun.

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Continue reading “Things to Come”