Where I’ve Been, Where I’m Going, and How I’m Getting There

I’ve been through some very dramatic life altering changes over the last six years; from learning that I’m a sexual submissive, leaving an emotionally & verbally abusive marriage (on both our parts), and learning that I’m strong enough to get through any obstacle. I agree; that whole quadriplegic/chemotherapy incident at 17 should’ve taught me that lesson. But, that’s a story for another time, my friends.
In 2011, I began a memoir for a class. It started out as a writing prompt and became a journey to heal from my childhood. My original work was from a place of anger, pain, and hatred. I’ll be honest and admit that there are still times when those are my feelings with regard to the situations. However, I realized if I’m ever going to achieve the thing that I want the most then I have to look at the past through other perspectives than my own.

As an adult survivor of childhood abuse, I have wanted nothing more than the unconditional of my parents since I was 16. During that time I was placed in foster care; eventually ending up in a group home, then returning to my parents when my quadriplegia occurred. All this time, I’ve felt like my mother never loved me; she chose my abusive father over me. Over the years, I’ve tried to talk to her about the things that occurred in the past.Her go-to answer, “You’re an adult; just get over it. You can’t go around blaming all of your problems on me.”

What my mother never understood is that I always blamed myself for the things that occurred when I was growing up. I knew that it was wrong for my father to beat me and that that wasn’t my fault. What I couldn’t understand was why my mother never loved me and my father stopped loving me. I’m beginning to understand that my experiences aren’t the entire picture of my childhood; my sister’s experiences aren’t the same as my own. We all had a role to play; sometimes by choice, but other times the roles were thrust upon us.

Since September 26, 2015, I’ve been getting to know my mother as a person, a woman, an entity outside of our relationship. In some ways, I’m re-learning how to love her. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved my mother. I loved her in the way a child learns to love a parent. To this day, my mother has no idea how much I’ve craved her affection. As children, we forget that our parents aren’t perfect. Well, I wanted her to live up to the ideals that I had of how a mother should behave.

I always knew my mom had the potential to be a good mother. She and my sister have always had a really close bond. When things started to go horribly wrong with my father and my relationship; I attempted to reach out to my mother. I wanted to create a connection. Unfortunately, no matter what I did she excluded me from it. I saw this as confirmation of my belief that she hated me. Recently, I learned that my mother didn’t think I really loved her.I learned that part of the reason my mother stayed married to my father is because of the interaction I had with that woman at church.When I was around 4 or 5, a woman came up to me at church and said that I looked like my mother. I responded that indeed I did NOT, and I was my “daddy’s girl”.

I have an eidetic memory~which is pretty much a fancy way of saying; when I go to recall a memory I literally see a picture of it in my mind. Normally, it’s a really great thing to have. I’m sure it’s what’s made learning all the languages I’ve studied easier. I also have Hyperthesmia~ which is the ability to recall almost every day of my life in near perfect detail, as well as public events that hold some personal significance to me. If the events are positive then no harm, no foul. If the memory involves being chased down and being beaten with a wooden Louisville Slugger bat; it sucks to be able to remember every detail of the event. It’s part of the reason it’s taken so long for me to heal.

I’ve always used this blog as a way to communicate openly and honestly about my life. I’ve always known that I’m not the only person who is facing this distasteful and arduous battle. I’m well versed in the tools of survival. I know there are teens out there in abusive situations, and adult survivors that are still on their own journey to find reconciliation, and love for themselves and their families. If I can be a voice for those who are still too afraid to speak, or a light for a soul that has lost their way, then I will have done something remarkable.
Over the next year,  plan to use this blog as a sounding board, a way to clear my head, re-write previous memoir materials, and of course, a place of support for others previously and currently trying to overcome abusive situations.

Drop me a line if you have any questions….IMG_0143

Advertisements

Personal Target by Kay Thomas

Personal Target
An Elite Ops Novel
By: Kay Thomas
Releasing July 29th, 2014
Avon Impulse

image

Blurb

AEGIS: an elite team of ex-military men working under the radar of most governments. If you have a problem no one else can handle, they can help.A former SEAL and Black Ops specialist who left the CIA, Nick Donovan gave up a life on the edge to work in the private sector. But that didn’t stop his enemies from coming after him—or his family. In a case of mistaken identity, a drug cartel kidnaps his sister-in-law’s best friend … a woman from Nick’s past.One minute Jennifer Grayson is housesitting and the next she’s abducted to a foreign brothel. Jennifer is planning her escape when her first “customer” arrives. Nick, the man who broke her heart years ago, has come to her rescue. Now, as they race for their lives, passion for each other reignites and old secrets resurface. Can Nick keep the woman he loves safe against an enemy with a personal vendetta?

Link to Follow Tour:  http://tastybooktours.blogspot.com/2014/07/personal-target-by-kay-thomas-elite-ops.html 
Goodreads Link:  https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22308416-personal-target?from_search=true 

Buy Links
Amazon:  http://www.amazon.com/Personal-Target-Elite-Ops-Book-ebook/dp/B00KACAU5I/?_encoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&keywords=personal%20target%20by%20kay%20thomas&linkCode=ur2&qid=1400188200&s=digital-text&sr=1-1&tag=kaytho-20&linkId=VKJ26JGVY7WLJSJ5 
B&N:  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/personal-target-kay-thomas/1119566027?ean=9780062290878 
iTunes:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/personal-target/id877703928?mt=11 

image

Author Info
Kay Thomas didn’t grow up burning to be a writer. She wasn’t even much of a reader until fourth grade. That’s when her sister readThe Black Stallion aloud to her. For hours Kay was enthralled—shipwrecked and riding an untamed horse across desert sand. Then tragedy struck. Her sister lost her voice. But Kay couldn’t wait to hear what happened in the story—so she picked up that book, finished reading it herself, and went in search of more adventures at the local library.Today Kay lives in Dallas with her husband, two children, and a shockingly spoiled Boston terrier. Her award-winning novels have been published internationally.

Author Links
http://www.kaythomas.net/ 
https://www.facebook.com/KayThomasWrites
https://twitter.com/KayThomaswrites

Rafflecopter Giveaway ($75.00 Amazon Gift Card)
a Rafflecopter giveaway

OR,
Link to Rafflecopter Page,  http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/share-code/NTIxYWM0YzhjYmFkNDc1MDkxYzA3ZDNmMjhhM2RjOjQwNA==/ 

First Time

image

I’m feeling a little nervous today, but I’m also excited. I’m going to a party tonight, and I’ve been told I can cross off some of my bucket list items, lol. I really enjoy spending time with the couple that I’ll be staying with for the next few days.
I brought my walker with me this time; even though I know they couldn’t care less whether I am using it or not, I am still really self-conscious about it. I’d love to be able to say that I’ve gotten past the negative comments my ex made about my having Multiple Sclerosis, or basically isolating me in the house over the last few years. Unfortunately, I haven’t…I feel a little sting when someone stares at me while I’m using my walker.
I just realized that I won’t be able to take it, since another couple will be riding with us to the party. Honestly, I don’t use it if I’m just walking around my house. Plus, I’m sure that J. will help me get around if I need it.
J & K, are always very caring & will help with different positions to make sure I’m comfortable. One thing about having balance issues, is that it can be somewhat limiting when it comes to positions that I feel comfortable trying. For example, I don’t really like to be on top because it makes me nervous I might fall somehow, or even worse get a muscle spasm in my legs. Aside from being painful, it would be somewhat embarrassing to have an orgasm & then end up curled into a ball. The weather has been changing the last few days, it’s unseasonably cold. As a result my legs feel like they’re on fire (well at least the portion by my ass, anyway). If they continue to burn, that means I will most likely need to apply some Real Time Pain cream.
I don’t usually use topical meds, but ever since my friend sent me a sample packet, I’ve been using it when the pain becomes unbearable. Thankfully, it smells good. Can you imagine how akward it would be to go to a party smelling like Bengay? I’m pretty sure that would decrease my chances of having fun, and who goes to a party if they can’t have any fun?

image

Wicked Sexy by Anne Marsh

image

Wicked Sexy
Uniformly Hot!
By: Anne Marsh
Releasing June 17th, 2014
Harlequin Blaze

Blurb
Too sexy to resist?Danielle Andrews was supposed to be on her honeymoon. Instead, she’s back on Discovery Island licking her wounds and running for shelter when she sees Daeg Ross coming her way. Years ago, on this very beach, Dani started something with the special ops aviation rescue swimmer. But she refuses to be tempted by the wickedly hot military hunk again.Daeg Ross is used to jumping into treacherous waters. But his feelings for relationship-shy Dani are a whole new type of risk. They are volatile—and irresistible. When their lives are threatened by the invading winds and endless rain of a tropical storm, Daeg and Dani are forced to take shelter and ride out a wild night. Together, will they sink…or swim?Uniformly Hot! The few, the proud, the sexy as hell!
BLACKHIPPIECHICK’S REVIEW:
This book had me sucked in from the very beginning, after all, who can resist a story about a former Navy special ops hottie. He’s back on the island that used to be like home, the only one he’d ever had anyway.
He is surprised when he discovers the bikini clad woman he’s been admiring, is the only woman he’s denied himself. When she discovers his eyes on her she is hit with overwhelming emotion; she can’t believe her luck, not only is she dealing with being alone on what should be her honeymoon, but the first man she’d ever loved, but rejected her, is staring at her with a fierce hunger in his eyes.
Find out if Daeg & Dani can overcome their past, and allow themselves a chance at true love.
Or, will his fear of commitment, and his past rejection & the pain of her broken engagement prevent them from having the love they deserve?
Link to Follow Tour:
http://www.tastybooktours.blogspot.com/2014/04/now-booking-tasty-virtual-tour-for_26.html
Goodreads Link:  https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20523640-wicked-sexy?ac=1 

Buy Links
Amazon:  http://www.amazon.com/Wicked-Sexy-Uniformly-Anne-Marsh-ebook/dp/B00I66BOC8/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=&qid =
B&N:  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/wicked-sexy-anne-marsh/1118053004?ean=9780373798094 
iTunes:  https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/wicked-sexy/id818500363?mt=11 
BAM:  http://www.booksamillion.com/p/Wicked-Sexy/Anne-Marsh/9780373798094?id=5984650947909

image

Author Info
After ten years of graduate school and too many degrees, Anne Marsh escaped to become a technical writer. When not planted firmly in front of the laptop translating Engineer into English, Anne enjoys gardening, running (even if it’s just to the 7-11 for slurpees), and reading books curled up with her kids. The best part of writing romance, however, is finally being able to answer the question: “So… what do you do with a PhD in Slavic Languages and Literatures?” She lives in Northern California with her husband, two kids and four cats.
You can reach Anne Marsh at http://www.anne-marsh.com or email her at  annemarsh@ymail.com

Author Links
http:// www.anne-marsh.com/
http:// /annemarsh.wordpress.com/blog-

https://twitter.com/anne_marsh/ 
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/545315.Anne_Marsh

image

Website  |  Blog  |  Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Goodreads

Rafflecopter Giveaway ($20.00 Amazon Gift Card)
a Rafflecopter giveaway

OR,
Link to Rafflecopter Page
http:// www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/share-code/NTIxYWM0YzhjYmFkNDc1MDkxYzA3ZDNmMjhhM2RjOjM3NA=

The Nightlife San Antonio by Travis Luedke

Title: The Nightlife San Antonio

image

Author: Travis Luedke

Series: The Nightlife Series

Genre: Urban Fantasy Romance/Vampires

Publisher: Self Published

Release Date: June 9th 2014

Edition: eBook with Print Coming Soon

Blurb/Synopsis:

 

Vampires, Mafia & Mayhem:

The Nightlife San Antonio is violent, sexy, and occasionally violently sexy.

All she wanted was to escape the police. All he wanted was to get laid. They both got more than they bargained for.

 

EMT on call, Adrian Faulkner resuscitates a beautiful woman after a Mexican mafia shootout. He can’t explain why he picks her up in the hospital parking lot three days later and then ducks the San Antonio police and the Feds. Well, the hot sex might have something to do with it.

 

She needed to hide. With no memory of even her name, she didn’t know from who. She only knew she wasn’t safe.

 

Adrian soon learns she is much more than a damsel in distress, and he’s stuck with her. It isn’t long before the past she cannot remember begins to catch up with them both…

 

THE NIGHTLIFE SAN ANTONIO is a non-stop thrill ride through the shadowy borderworld of mafia politics and vampires – and sex.

 

Grab your copy of this urban fantasy romance today!

 

The Nightlife Series novels are Adult Paranormal Romance ~ Urban Fantasy Thriller:

 

#1 THE NIGHTLIFE NEW YORK

#2 THE NIGHTLIFE LAS VEGAS

#3 THE NIGHTLIFE PARIS

#4 BLOOD SLAVE

#5 THE NIGHTLIFE LONDON

#6 THE NIGHTLIFE SERIES OMNIBUS (Books 1-4)

#7 THE NIGHTLIFE SAN ANTONIO

Book Links

Smashwords

iTunes

Barnes & Noble

Kobo

Amazon

Allromanceebooks

Goodreads

banner

Author Information

Travis Luedke is a husband, father, and author of Urban Fantasy Thriller, Paranormal Romance, Contemporary Fantasy, Young Adult Fiction, and Sci-fi. He is currently catching a 3rd degree sunburn in San Antonio, Texas, and loving every minute of it.

As the author of the Nightlife Series novels, Travis lives very vicariously through his writings. He invites you to enjoy his macabre flights of fancy, but be warned: The Nightlife Series is violent, sexy, and occasionally violently sexy.

Author Links

Amazon Author Page

Blog ~ Personal

Blog ~ The Nightlife Series

Email ~ twluedke@gmail.com

image

Facebook

Facebook Page ~The Nightlife Series

Facebook Page ~ Author

Goodreads

G+

Twitter

Wattpad

Website

 

Tour Banner

A Year in Retrospect

A Year in Retrospect

Image

I have learned many things over the past year, some of them are good and some of them not so good.I’ve learned that I’m a hell of a lot stronger than my ex, mother & even myself at times, gave me credit for being. I’ve learned that even though I felt like my heart was broken into a million pieces, it was possible to feel love again. Surprisingly, this heartbreak wasn’t over my marriage….My best friend and brother will have commited suicide a year ago, on the 22nd of this month.

His death is what left me broken, wondering if I could make it. I literally kept thinking to myself that I didn’t know how I was going to go on without him. When someone kills themself it makes you wonder what you missed, what you could’ve done differently, for things to have gone another way. It makes you question EVERYTHING!I’m not really sure how many days I went without sleep in the beginning, but I know I tried to read every Facebook message we’d written to one another. I don’t know why, but I felt like I’d find the answers in our conversations.I didn’t.

His death made me feel completely, and utterly vulnerable. It wasn’t that I didn’t already feel this way, I did but, I had gained more confidence in recent years. I’m not sure that there is anyone alive who doesn’t feel vulnerable at some point in their lives. I think it’s different when you grow up in an abusive household though; when a parent(s) is abusive towards you, it makes you question your worth and value. After all, if your own parents couldn’t love you, then how can anyone else? My friend had been the person to show me that there were people who still cared about & found value in my existence. We met when I was 16 & living in a shelter for teenagers,he was on leave and doing a little recruiting for the Navy, at his alma mater.

When he died, I was scared to feel again. I wasn’t just scared to feel love, I was scared to feel anything good. Eventually, I got to the point where I started to allow myself to feel good things. I was even able to stop taking any of the anxiety medicine that my doctor had given me, after his death. I didn’t know it at the time but, I was still scared to feel love. I entered into relationships where I couldn’t truly, expect to receive uconditional love. My partners were never able to offer a situation where I could be significant member in their lives. I guess looking back at, that’s how I wanted it to be. If they couldn’t offer me their love unconditionally, then I wouldn’t miss it when they didn’t give it to me.

I am in a poly relationship with an amazing man, my sissy (and his lifemate ) & his submissive. I love my sissy with all of my heart, in fact she became my sissy, before I was in an amorous relationship with any of them. I’ve not talked to my Papa’s submissive yet, but that is in the works. Honestly, I’m a little terrified….I know, I’m supposed to be happy that there are that many people who love him & I can honestly say that I am. I love my sissy, and when I’ve had problems she calls & helps me pull my head out of my ass…lol. I’m sure Papa’s submissive is an amazing woman, too. How can she not be, if she’s my sissy’s best friend?

Unfortunately, even though I logically know and understand all of these things, I am still scared. I know that I’m feeling this way, which is a major step for me; in the past, I’ve tried to push people away when I began to care for them too much. It was easier for them to leave if I pusshed them away, because then they weren’t abandoning or rejecting me. I talked to my Papa last night, and I told Him that I was scared. He told me that He & sissy love me, and I shouldn’t doubt the love T/they have for me. I guess it’s not exactly a matter of doubting their love, I know that my Papa & sissy, love me. In a way, I feel like that 11 year old girl, who just got beaten for the first time; I’m scared that something will change & I just won’t matter anymore. What happens when I’m not good enough, when I just don’t make the cut?

I’m scared because I’ve let myself love them, and start to depend on their love & friendship in my life. What happens if it goes away? Will I still be strong enough to make it, if they decide they no longer want me? Damn it, it would be nice to have my friend around to talk to and hug, hear his awful jokes, and see his awful memes. I guess I’m not really sure how to protect my heart, and allow love in at the same time. I also have another part of me, a very selfish side of me, that wants to find someone else to be with outside of T/them. I know it’s purely selfish, because I want someone who will be there to give me their time & their love. How can we all get equal time with Papa? It’s not that I’m not allowed to be in a relationship outside of the one I have with them; hell, they encourage me to go out & have fun, which as crazy as it sounds makes me feel even more insecure. If T/they love me, why do they want me to go be with other people??? I should have prefaced this piece by saying that I’m a poly virgin, lol….as in, this is my first truly poly relationship. I am learning something new, and feeling something different everyday.

I hope that this time next year, I am stronger. I hope that I’ve either gone back to school or I’m in the process of writing a book…creating a linguistic painting, so to speak. I hope that my MS is still not flaring up, and I’m only dealing with the leftover effects from past exacerbations & fibro. Most importantly, I hope like hell that I’m happy! I hope that I don’t push the people that I love away because I get too scared of caring about them. I also wouldn’t mind having a really awesome girlfriend, and scratching off some of my sexual bucket list items 😉

Image

Disabled Not Dead…Did I Mention I’m Kinky

Disabled Not Dead…Did I Mention I’m Kinky

image

Ugh….part of Multiple Sclerosis that is par for the course, is to sometimes have an electrical pulsing like sensation. When your clitoris is the body part that’s buzzing & pulsing it’s torture, it can cause my body to feel like it’s on the edge of an orgasm until it decides it’s had enough.
Do Y/you have any unwanted symptoms, or questions about adaptations, but have been afraid to ask? Look no further, I understand what you’re going through…

Hi A/all,
My name is Kami (I have Multiple Sclerosis) and I run a blog that deals with Disability, Sexuality & Kink. I am trying to provide a space to access information on resources, adaptations that can be made (to toys, with positions, and even to maintain Y/your role in a D/s relationships), and reviews of Erotica & toys. I also want to provide a question & answer section, so that those with & without disabilities will be able to navigate the adaptations that are required to make this type of relationship work.
I NEED Y/YOUR HELP:

*PLEASE, share any questions about Disability, Sexuality & Kink that Y/you might have, this goes for questions about both the physical & emotional sides of these things. Please email me your questions. When writing & answering Y/your questions, I will use a made up name & location.   My email is: blhippiechickreviews@gmail.com

image