Where I’ve Been, Where I’m Going, and How I’m Getting There

I’ve been through some very dramatic life altering changes over the last six years; from learning that I’m a sexual submissive, leaving an emotionally & verbally abusive marriage (on both our parts), and learning that I’m strong enough to get through any obstacle. I agree; that whole quadriplegic/chemotherapy incident at 17 should’ve taught me that lesson. But, that’s a story for another time, my friends.
In 2011, I began a memoir for a class. It started out as a writing prompt and became a journey to heal from my childhood. My original work was from a place of anger, pain, and hatred. I’ll be honest and admit that there are still times when those are my feelings with regard to the situations. However, I realized if I’m ever going to achieve the thing that I want the most then I have to look at the past through other perspectives than my own.

As an adult survivor of childhood abuse, I have wanted nothing more than the unconditional of my parents since I was 16. During that time I was placed in foster care; eventually ending up in a group home, then returning to my parents when my quadriplegia occurred. All this time, I’ve felt like my mother never loved me; she chose my abusive father over me. Over the years, I’ve tried to talk to her about the things that occurred in the past.Her go-to answer, “You’re an adult; just get over it. You can’t go around blaming all of your problems on me.”

What my mother never understood is that I always blamed myself for the things that occurred when I was growing up. I knew that it was wrong for my father to beat me and that that wasn’t my fault. What I couldn’t understand was why my mother never loved me and my father stopped loving me. I’m beginning to understand that my experiences aren’t the entire picture of my childhood; my sister’s experiences aren’t the same as my own. We all had a role to play; sometimes by choice, but other times the roles were thrust upon us.

Since September 26, 2015, I’ve been getting to know my mother as a person, a woman, an entity outside of our relationship. In some ways, I’m re-learning how to love her. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved my mother. I loved her in the way a child learns to love a parent. To this day, my mother has no idea how much I’ve craved her affection. As children, we forget that our parents aren’t perfect. Well, I wanted her to live up to the ideals that I had of how a mother should behave.

I always knew my mom had the potential to be a good mother. She and my sister have always had a really close bond. When things started to go horribly wrong with my father and my relationship; I attempted to reach out to my mother. I wanted to create a connection. Unfortunately, no matter what I did she excluded me from it. I saw this as confirmation of my belief that she hated me. Recently, I learned that my mother didn’t think I really loved her.I learned that part of the reason my mother stayed married to my father is because of the interaction I had with that woman at church.When I was around 4 or 5, a woman came up to me at church and said that I looked like my mother. I responded that indeed I did NOT, and I was my “daddy’s girl”.

I have an eidetic memory~which is pretty much a fancy way of saying; when I go to recall a memory I literally see a picture of it in my mind. Normally, it’s a really great thing to have. I’m sure it’s what’s made learning all the languages I’ve studied easier. I also have Hyperthesmia~ which is the ability to recall almost every day of my life in near perfect detail, as well as public events that hold some personal significance to me. If the events are positive then no harm, no foul. If the memory involves being chased down and being beaten with a wooden Louisville Slugger bat; it sucks to be able to remember every detail of the event. It’s part of the reason it’s taken so long for me to heal.

I’ve always used this blog as a way to communicate openly and honestly about my life. I’ve always known that I’m not the only person who is facing this distasteful and arduous battle. I’m well versed in the tools of survival. I know there are teens out there in abusive situations, and adult survivors that are still on their own journey to find reconciliation, and love for themselves and their families. If I can be a voice for those who are still too afraid to speak, or a light for a soul that has lost their way, then I will have done something remarkable.
Over the next year,  plan to use this blog as a sounding board, a way to clear my head, re-write previous memoir materials, and of course, a place of support for others previously and currently trying to overcome abusive situations.

Drop me a line if you have any questions….IMG_0143

No Apologies by Sybil Bartel

Book & Author details:

No Apologies by Sybil Bartel 
Published by: Carina Press (HQN)
Publication date: June 23rd 2014
Genres: Contemporary, New Adult, Romance

Synopsis:

Never apologize

Hard-edged rocker Graham Allen has it all. He’s flush with cash from playing bass in a band by night and restoring classic cars by day. And there are plenty of women willing to share his bed for a night, complication-free. Perfect, because if there’s anything he learned from his past, it was to never get attached—to anything. So when bartender Carly Sullivan flashes her innocent smile, Graham isn’t prepared for what happens next.

Never fall in love

Two rules, that’s all Graham has—never apologize and never fall in love. He knows Carly is everything he should avoid. Cheerful and sweet, she has “relationship” written all over her. But Graham can’t stay away from her probing questions and concerned blue eyes.

When Graham discovers Carly is hiding a crushing secret, he’s prepared to risk it all. Until in one single moment, everything changes and Graham’s past threatens to collide with his future. His life is crumbling down around him, and soon no apology in the world can save him.

He should’ve known to walk away.

91,000 words

Goodreadshttps://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20926029-no-apologies?ac=1

Purchase

–Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00I15VKWI/ref=x_gr_w_bb?ie=UTF8&tag=httpwwwgoodco-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B00I15VKWI&SubscriptionId=1MGPYB6YW3HWK55XCGG2

–B&N: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/no-apologies-sybil-bartel/1118327857?ean=9781426898532

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AUTHOR BIO

Sybil grew up in Northern California with her head in a book and her feet in the sand. She used to dream of becoming a painter but the heady scent of libraries with their shelves full of books about wistful summer days and first loves drew her into the world of storytelling. Her true literary love is the New Adult genre but really, any story about a love so desperately wrong and impossibly beautiful, makes her swoon.

Sybil now resides in Southern Florida and while she doesn’t get to read as much as she likes, she still buries her toes in the sand. If she’s not writing or fighting to contain the banana plantation in her backyard, you can find her spending time with her handsomely tattooed husband, her brilliantly practical son and a mischievous miniature boxer who stole her heart.

Author Links:

https://twitter.com/SybilBartel

http://sybilbartel.com/

https://www.facebook.com/sybilbartelauthor

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7893521.Sybil_Bartel

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Phantom’s Dance by Lesa Howard

Book & Author details:

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Phantom’s Dance by Lesa Howard 
Publication date: March 1st 2014

Synopsis:

Christine Dadey’s family uprooted their lives and moved to Houston for her to attend the prestigious Rousseau Academy of Dance. Now, two years later, Christine struggles to compete among the Academy’s finest dancers, her parents are on the brink of divorce, and she’s told no one about her debilitating performance anxiety and what she’s willing to do to cope with it.

Erik was a ballet prodigy, a savant, destined to be a star on the world’s stage, but a suspicious fire left Erik’s face horribly disfigured. Now, a lonely phantom forced to keep his scars hidden, he spends his nights haunting the theater halls, mourning all he’s lost. Then, from behind the curtain he sees the lovely Christine. The moldable, malleable Christine.

Drawn in by Erik’s unwavering confidence, Christine allows herself to believe Erik’s declarations that he can transform her into the dancer she longs to be. But Christine’s hope of achieving her dreams may be her undoing when she learns Erik is not everything he claims. And before long, Erik’s shadowy past jeopardizes Christine’s unstable present as his obsession with her becomes hopelessly entangled with his plans for revenge.

Giveaway:

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Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/21462458-phantom-s-dance?ac=1

Purchase:

–Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Phantoms-Dance-Lesa-Howard-ebook/dp/B00IQJPZJS/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1398786333&sr=1-1

–B&N: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/phantoms-dance-lesa-howard/1118892915?ean=9780978818340

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AUTHOR BIO

I’m not the typical author. I didn’t always enjoy reading or writing. While in school, I found it to be a chore I’d just as soon skip. I would rather have been daydreaming, my favorite past time. It wasn’t until I grew up and didn’t have to, that I realized reading was fun. I soon discovered that reading fueled my daydreaming. So, remembering a short story I’d written in high school, I began imagining expanding that story into a book. Before long I found I had loads of ideas for not just the short story but other books and stories as well. Fast forward a few years, a lot of studying about writing, practicing my writing, studying some more, taking classes from people who knew what they were doing, studying and practicing yet more, and ta-dah, author! In the same way I had learned I loved reading, I learned I loved writing, too. It’s just that writing is a lot harder than reading.

Author links: 

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8056585.Lesa_Howard

My Review: I really enjoyed this retelling of the Phantom of the Opera. Christine’s family has sacrificed everything to ensure that she receives the best opportunities for her ballet career. Her father & mother are under so much stress to the marriage, it seems like it will ultimately end in divorce. Plus, Christine has  begun to develop performance anxiety at a level so great she is willing to take desperate meassures to continue dancing. Along the way, she meets the mysterious Erik. You will want to catch this read for yourself & discover if Erik is her savior, or devil in disguise.

KARMA by Charity Ferrell

BOOK & AUTHOR INFO:

Karma by Charity Ferrell 
Publication date: June 2014 
Genres: Contemporary, New Adult, Romance

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Synopsis:

I’m cursed. Yes, you read that right and this isn’t some paranormal fantasy. This is my real life. Karma has decided to lash out on me. I’ll never find my true love and I’m learning to accept that. The only problem is: he isn’t. He’s starting a war with karma and everyone knows karma always fights back with a vengeance.

After deciding to take a year off from school, Gabby Taylor’s forced to intern for a Crisis PR firm. On her first day, she runs into the one guy she’s been fighting to avoid. The guy whose family despises her and she’d drunkenly given her virginity away to. How’s she supposed to fix other people’s problems when she can’t even manage her own?

Goodreads: 

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AUTHOR BIO:

Charity Ferrell was born and raised in Indianapolis, Indiana and still resides there with her future hubby, two Yorkies (who run the house), and cat. When she’s not writing, you can find her reading, spending time with her crazy family or watching too much TV.

You can interact and find more information at: 
Facebook
twitter: charity_ferrell
instagram: charityferrell

Two Little Lies by Rhonda Helms

BOOK & AUTHOR INFO:

Two Little Lies by Rhonda Helms 
(Edgewood Falls #2) 
Publication date: June 2014
Genres: Contemporary, New Adult, Romance
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Synopsis:
Natalie Goldsmith has a fabulous life and an equally awesome boyfriend. So what is her best friend Bianca thinking when she says she suspects West is cheating—and confesses that she’s hired a PI to prove it? Totally not cool.

Especially since the cynical PI, Kyle Winslow, is her grade school nemesis. With a smug, know-it-all look on his face, Kyle declares he can smell a cheater from a mile away, and he’s willing to bet it all on West. Well, if he wants to waste his time chasing a lie, more power to him. But just days later, he presents irrefutable evidence of her boyfriend’s unfaithfulness, and Natalie’s enviable life takes a total nosedive.

Determined to not let this ruin her New Year’s Eve, she goes out on the town, dressed to the nines…and ends up having a drunken night of mind-blowing sex with Kyle. Now the guy she hates is the one person she can’t get out of her mind. Even crazier, he seems just as drawn to her too. The more time they spend together, the more she realizes Kyle could be everything she’s been looking for. But should she risk it all on a guy who says he doesn’t believe in love?

Goodreads: 
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AUTHOR BIO:
Rhonda Helms started writing several years ago. She has a Master’s degree in English and a Bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing. She also edits for Carina Press (an imprint of Harlequin Publishing) and freelance edits.

When she isn’t writing, she likes to do amateur photography, dig her toes into the sand, read for hours at a time, and eat scads of cheese. WAY too much cheese.

Rhonda lives in Northeast Ohio with her family.

Author links: 
http://www.rhondahelmsbooks.com/
https://twitter.com/rhelmsbooks
https://www.facebook.com/rhondahelmsbooks

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5555317.Rhonda_Helms

Cover Reveal for Whatever It Takes

BOOK & AUTHOR INFO:

Whatever It Takes by Ashley Simone 
Publication date: May 2014
Genres: New Adult, Romance

Synopsis:
What would you do if you got a second chance at life?

Nicky is not having a great year. After her mother’s sudden death, she’s forced to deal with the family finances, move away from the small town she grew up in, and drop out of college. Her bank balance dwindles, her landlord evicts her and she’s just about to become homeless…

Could a twist of fate give you everything you ever dreamed of – or make things so much worse?

When Nicky seems to have won a jackpot, her financial woes appear to be over… until her ex-boyfriend, Aiden Weilz walks into the room and claims that her future is dependent on him.

Is he telling the truth, or is this all a ploy to keep her from moving on with her life? How much worse do things have to get before they get better?

Goodreads:</
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